Hello, my name is Cami and this is my journey of meditation practice and how it saved my life.
In the earliest of morning darkness before the birds and city is up I hear my alarm at 5 am to start my meditation practice. I rise before the sun to greet my body with its first conscious breath of the day, the breath is mine and it’s in no rush to go or do anything else. Pour myself some lemon water to start alkalizing my system and then head downstairs to the backyard to begin my practice, setting up the mat, burning whatever incense I have, lathering on essential oils, once I feel centered and present I begin my practice. Usually with some small movement and then to sit down comfortably I play my sound bowl to clear the energy of the space and then I sit. Listening to the sounds around me, feeling the cool morning air against my skin, the ground is still dewy with the mornings mist, the birds are starting to sing, slowly but surely the sun starts to rise. I grab my mala beads, listening to my intuition I practice affirmation mantras for example: I am patient, I am courageous, or I am strong. Go all the way around the 108 beautifully beaded green aventurine mala till I hit the end and go back around finally ending with a prayer and sending that energy out into the day.
My practice didn’t always start out that way, as a child I was diagnosed with ADHD always being told to calm down and sit still. So naturally sitting still was extremely uncomfortable but luckily during this time I was going through yoga teacher training. I had the guidance of two amazing teachers who guided me along the path of meditation.
At first, I so desperately wanted to drop into a deep meditative state to detach from my thoughts that seemed to be like a tornado that would wash over me with no control or direction. I turned to crystals, sound bowls, mala’s, anything I could tangibly get my hands on to deepen my practice, but what I was doing was avoiding the physical practice so that I could be dependent on something and not myself. I didn’t trust myself enough yet with my own thoughts, grateful for all the amazing tools that are offered, but true meditation is sitting down with your shit and separating thought from emotion.
Something I couldn’t comprehend yet as I was ruled by emotion like most of us are, immediately feeling a rush of emotion with someone or something out of my immediate control. I dealt for many years with crippling anxiety and depression so bad it would send me into a whirlwind where it would get so bad to the point where I would pass out.
My hard drive if you will was completely full with suppressed emotions that I never dealt with and early developmental trauma that was being housed in my bones. But all I felt was fear and uncertainty of what my thoughts were, I had shut off my intuition so much so that she wasn’t coming through at all.
Until one fateful morning, I got a call from my mother that my brother Jordan had passed from suicide, I immediately fell to the ground and felt the world close around me.
The whirlwind began again but this time it was relentless with constant questions asking why he was taken away. Why I wasn’t there more for him, why I never saw any sign or didn’t do enough to contact him, I felt so much guilt in my heart that I wasn’t there more for him. But mostly that my brother in his final moments felt that it was easier to no longer be a part of the world, all I wanted to do was call and talk to him. I couldn’t fathom his physical being no longer here, that he would never read my text asking why and to not hear his laugh or smile again. This is a pain that I would never wish anyone to go through, it’s a jarring, earth shattering, wall crumbling around you kind of pain.
Every day I kept running through the thousands of scenarios in my head of what I could have done better or what I did wrong, I had a longing to understand why he was gone so soon.
If it wasn’t for the meditation practice being in place, I would have spiraled to drinking or whatever would fill the void in my heart. I didn’t want him to see me go down that road of no return but to now hold a practice for myself and others. Two weeks later I graduated from the yoga teacher training, having just rode the most insane roller coaster of emotion. I was free now, equipped with tools and offerings to help heal others, it was now the tie to put them in to movement and channel this message for others.
Jordan was always laughing with the biggest smile that would make you in turn smile even bigger, we shared a love for nature and all its mysteries. I will miss the hikes we took together in the mountains, connecting and bonding supporting each other in whatever dream we had. I made a vow when he passed to him and myself to carry his light like a torch, to never let it burn out or be forgotten. I vowed to devote myself to the healing practice of yoga and all its modalities, to be of service and heal for those who are lost. This vow still holds true 6 months later from his passing, waking up every day just showing gratitude for my breath and that I’m able to share it with others. I may have not been able to save my brother, but my hope and wish is that I will be able to help someone else who’s lost, who doesn’t know what it’s like to be truly seen or heard.
Without judgement, without someone trying to repair you or tell you what to do but simply a guide who loves and cherishes your light and love as nothing more than that. As I write this, I release this story from my body and hope that it finds you well wherever you are in life please know that every single breath you take is important. All of the light and love within me sees, respects, and honors the love and light that is within you, Namaste.
To Jordan: I miss you every single day, I feel your presence with me constantly rooting me on to keep pushing forward no matter how hard it gets. I miss your hugs and laughs, I love you so much and hope that the light I’m carrying for you burns brighter than the sun, you will never be forgotten as long as I’m alive and I will never stop sharing the light you held for others.